Holmes blinks, completely caught off guard by the question, and he recoils mentally as well as physically, if only slightly. He stops stroking Watson's jaw, laying his hand on the sofa instead.
It's easy for Holmes to talk about relations between men in the general sense, but his own relationships, his own personal history -- he doesn't like to discuss those details. It took him a year to even inform Watson of Mycroft's existence, and Holmes has no real strong reasons to want to keep Mycroft secret. Gideon is part of something that Holmes has worked to keep secret for too long, and seen that secret exposed far too painfully.
But there's no reason he should have to divulge too many details; he can speak of his first time in the general sense, can't he, without needing to finish the story. Denying Watson his answer now may well deny Holmes a perfectly nice relationship.
"Ah," he starts, trying to recall that first time with Gideon. "I suppose I felt conflicted, mostly in fear of discovery," a fear which turned out to be justified, "but on the whole I was very... satisfied. Thrilled, even, to finally enact what I'd felt for sometime. I was young and just thankful to know that I wasn't alone," he finishes in a softer tone.
It had been such a rush, such a risk, and so relieving to share something so passionate with Gideon that he hardly had room for regrets until it was over.
"If I felt corrupted, I'm afraid that only made it better." He attempts a playful smile, though he's shaken with the need to recall something so personal, and not on his own terms.
no subject
It's easy for Holmes to talk about relations between men in the general sense, but his own relationships, his own personal history -- he doesn't like to discuss those details. It took him a year to even inform Watson of Mycroft's existence, and Holmes has no real strong reasons to want to keep Mycroft secret. Gideon is part of something that Holmes has worked to keep secret for too long, and seen that secret exposed far too painfully.
But there's no reason he should have to divulge too many details; he can speak of his first time in the general sense, can't he, without needing to finish the story. Denying Watson his answer now may well deny Holmes a perfectly nice relationship.
"Ah," he starts, trying to recall that first time with Gideon. "I suppose I felt conflicted, mostly in fear of discovery," a fear which turned out to be justified, "but on the whole I was very... satisfied. Thrilled, even, to finally enact what I'd felt for sometime. I was young and just thankful to know that I wasn't alone," he finishes in a softer tone.
It had been such a rush, such a risk, and so relieving to share something so passionate with Gideon that he hardly had room for regrets until it was over.
"If I felt corrupted, I'm afraid that only made it better." He attempts a playful smile, though he's shaken with the need to recall something so personal, and not on his own terms.