lightconductor | IC Inbox

Oh, that was... alarming. That blankness, then the correction. Watson moves to sit down with him, trying not to frown, but he frowns when he's worried. He can't help it.

"Why do I have the feeling I will not like this conversation?" he says, but his tone is mild, an attempt at disarming. "Tell me, love. What is on your mind that you had to set a reminder for yourself?"

César knows how to interpret Watson's frowns; that's a worried one.

The tone is meant to be disarming, but the words themselves cause César to gape and automatically blank his face again. He seizes Watson's hand for comfort and threads their fingers together, quickly and without checking for permission. César's always let hand-holding happen naturally or asked for it. This is the first time he's taken it so strongly for a lifeline. And his hand is already shaking.

He closes his eyes again and starts a round of breathing exercises. César's barely started, and he already feels like he can't stay in control. Losing control is terrifying.

"T-This is why I have to tell you first." César's voice strangles, as he lets his anxiety show again without opening his eyes. "So I can be calmer when we talk to Johnny. So Johnny has room to breathe. So you can be there for him like last time."

Ah. That was a poorly-chosen joke.

Watson wraps his hands around César's, his fingers warm and strong, smoothing gently over César's knuckles. "That serious, is it? Easy, my dear. Don't rush yourself. Take all the time you need."

That was a poorly-chosen joke, but Watson's next words and putting both hands around César's hand is perfect. César's shoulders sag and he leans up against Watson as he focuses on getting his breathing under control. Reminding himself he's safe and loved. This all of his fear is all in his head. That Watson is calling him "my dear".

Johnny was right that he needed to get out of his head more. Because things like this happen when he doesn't. He's let this run around crazy back in his subconscious for near on two months.

"Tell me I'm safe?" César pleads quietly when his breath is smoother, his grip less tight.

"You are safe," Watson says at once. He doesn't let go, just holds César's hands. "You are always safe with me. Now. Tell me what's on your mind."

He can guess the topic, but not the details.

"Put your head here, on my shoulder, if that will help."

César sags against Watson, resting his head on Watson's shoulder. He breathes out, gets comfortable. Why was he so afraid of this?

A single, short laugh. "Johnny's right. I am in my head too much."

He doesn't allow that statement to turn into a delaying tactic. " December made me realize I still have baggage from back on my Earth. I can handle people being mad and upset at me. But no one's ever delayed telling me off before, so I didn't know what to expect. The resulting uncertainty... made me eventually fear the worst. That I had destroyed our marriage."

Sometimes Watson fears that himself, but saying so... is not wise, right now. He untangles one of his hands to touch the back of César's neck, gently.

"And yet we are still here," he says. "I suppose we all carry all the wounds we've experienced around with us. You've been thinking heavily on this, then?"

César replaces that hand with his other one, holding Watson's between his, the grip gentler now.

"I have been." He sighs. "My fear got in the way of resolving the situation. I convinced myself I was no longer safe, even though both of you promised I would be. I started punishing myself by pulling away from seeking any sort of physical contact. Taking over all the chores so I would 'stay out of the way' of you and Johnny. Assuming it was only a matter of time before I'd be ask to leave. And that only hurt all of us worse."

Edited (important little detail I forgot to add) 2023-02-25 22:59 (UTC)

"You have been... distant. I admit it's been troubling, but I've been trying to give you time." Both of them, really. He's been caught between César and Johnny for some time, and he has hated every minute of it. "And it has hurt."

His touch is gentle.

"Have you come to some conclusion?"

César shifts his head to kiss Watson's neck tenderly.

"Mmhmm. Multiple. That my fears came from the past and not the present. That I love you both and that you both love me and our love is stronger than that. That Johnny was right, and I need to get out of my head more. That we must act as one, and I cannot make decisions on my own like I have in the past. That if we're going to argue, we need to argue constructively."

A quiet laugh. "And that I should have heeded my parents' advice: 'never go to bed angry' not just because it was good but because it is a necessity. Even if the hurt party needs time... we need to communicate that. Don't create uncertainty where it needn't exist."

He hmms before kissing Watson's neck again. "I'm sorry I hurt you both and that I've been distant. But I'm here now. I promise. Te amo, osito."

"Ah, now, you cannot go distracting me with gentle kisses at a time like this," Watson chides, but kindly. "Arguments between us are inevitable, but we are a unit, the three of us. And we must work together, even when we find ourselves somewhat at odds."

He closes his eyes. "Still... I have missed you."

A little giggle as Watson accuses him of being distracting, but otherwise he listens quietly. César sits up to look at Watson proper, suddenly unafraid. Fear's useless now and easily discarded for more pressing emotions.

"A unit that can only function if we work together. I better understand what that means, now." César removes his hand over Watson's to tenderly stroke his cheek, his other hand giving Watson's a squeeze; he takes a moment to think before continuing. "I've missed you, too, my dear. Thank you for giving me the time I needed. But from now on... let's talk. No more guessing. I don't mind anger or upset or needing more time. Those things won't break me. I only need to you to try your best to be open with me about how you're feeling."

He smiles, almost embarrassed, because his next words are rather nerdy. "My brain's anatomical structure isn't something I can change, unfortunately, and I know you don't want me to change myself anyway. That accommodation will really help me keep the worst of my emotional dysregulation under control and I can spend my focus on being a better husband."

Edited (A word) 2023-02-27 04:30 (UTC)

"You are... eccentric. But I treasure those eccentricities as part of you, part of why I love you. Talk of neurological structure... is sadly after my time. I'm a bit out of my depth, no matter how much research I do, but I know that you are this way, and I love you, and I do not love someone that I wish you were."

He runs his fingers along César's neck. "I will do my best to be open, then. If you think this will help in future."

Those words are a soothing balm on César's heart. The last of what he needs for the worst of his fears to be defeated. He squeezes Watson's hand.

"And I love you, too, for being the kind and lovingly patient soul that you are. You don't need to be a brain surgeon, my love. The fact you're trying to understand me and do a good job of it is something more than most people would do." César's eyes are full of warmth as he continues to stroke Watson's cheek, sighing softly at being touched himself. "It'll make a huge difference. And I'll be more open in turn. But neither of us should push ourselves if it's too much in the heat of a moment."

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