This morning, while I rolled around in bed going, auuuugh I do not want to get up, on comes the radio with the following statement:

"And elementary, my dear Hollywood! In the next half hour, our CBC comedy team takes on the new Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes movie."

:O?

I waited.

The sketch itself involved filmmakers meeting with Mrs. Wakefield, "the world's foremost expert on Sherlock Holmes," and discussing with her their plans while she sputtered in dismay. Holmes, they say, will be an ass-kicking, drug-downing, sexy hero who gets all the ladies, and solves crime with his fist of justice!

(Okay, even if I take off my Evil Slasher Hat, what the hell is Holmes going to do with all those ladies, I ask you. Also, lol @ fist of justice.)

Mrs. Wakefield sputters out her vague protestations to the contrary. Yes, Holmes is a competent fighter, skilled in fencing and the Japanese art of baritsu (she left out the boxing), but that's not how he solves crimes! And the drug use is very controversial, but that doesn't mean... and the ladies? Really???

(Incidentally, everything I've seen about this movie suggests that they've replaced the cocaine with alcohol. This is... not promising. The two are not interchangeable, especially if you look at the reasons why Holmes might be taking cocaine in the first place.)

And they go on to describe Watson, his ruggedly sexy, equally ass-kicking sidekick, getting all the ladies also (geez guys, leave some for the rest of us)!

But no, sputters Mrs. Wakefield, Watson is rotund and shy.

What?

WHAT?

DO YOU DARE TO MALIGN HIM? ( Fuck you, you have no idea what you're talking about. )